I went robot hunting with a bow and arrow


[quiet music and animal sounds] Grass is like the pubic hair of planet Earth. I’m dressed in earth pubes. Hey my name is Simone welcome to my new show. I’ve been a vegetarian since I was eight years old. It took me all of three seconds to tell you that I’ve made a lot of questionable choices in my life, like, tattooing my Chinese name when I was 16 or, getting a bowl cut. I lost my virginity in that haircut. That might be the biggest accomplishment of my life. Kind of impressive. Like: Wow, I salute you, way too old Simone. You get that bowl cut and walk the streets. I did not lose my virginity in the streets. So, in the light of that, becoming a vegetarian might be one of the better decisions I made in life. But: plot twist! I’m not here to preach vegetarianism. I want to become a hunter. Every year millions of Americans go hunting and I want to understand what so many people get out of it. I just don’t wanna have to kill any animals. But robots… I’m fine with killing some robots. But before I go for big game (and I am an irresponsible robot hunter) I’m starting with fishing. no, no, no, no, no, YES! It’s still hunting but people don’t feel as bad for fish because they’re ugly. Sorry fish. [upbeat music] Everybody knows that fishing is the gateway drug into hunting. I’m heading to this company called Open ROV, and they have an underwater drone. And I want to try and fish that drone out of the water. This is me casting fishes for my fishes. Is that the plural of fish? I’m like a fish talent scout right now. Is this really the right place? You guys are all with me if this is how I die. I’m still alive, don’t worry. That’s forward and backward. And then this is like flying an airplane. So to go down you push forward on the stick. Some of the best pilots are under 10 years old. I fucking hate it when kids are better than me at stuff. This will make the perfect underwater prey. I’m gonna fish the shit out of you! *maximum effort* (Bam) Let’s fish a little ROV Think you got it again. It’s this how all fishing rods work? Cuz it sucks. I’ll design my own fishing rod. Wait. No, sorry. I got it! It’s so heavy! I feel like this is still not real enough. When people talk about fishing, they talk about the nature experience and the calm. [train sound] I think we need to take this to a real lake. I haven’t been up this early since I was born. Let’s do some fishing. Fresh we scouted the best po-oh, there’s insects in it! They’re crawling deeper into [ripping sound] Oh shit. Yeah, this is the life of a fisherwoman. Cow shit, filled with insects, and ripping your pants. I just need to fix my pants. This is what they call a fashion emergency. Oh! This is the… [laughter] I just take this little flap all the way around into the back, and it really accentuates the waist and the hips. [grunting, straining noises] Enough fashion. Now time for fish! I have some seaweed in my pocket. Just dip it a little bit I just learned what the jockstrap is. So like a sports bra but for your dick. You learn something new every day. How do you call fish? Come here little fishy! [Predator clicking noise] Why is nothing happening. I’m seeing it! [excited laughter] No no no no no! Yes! Ohhhh I got it! Oy. [Simone straining] [Pole snaps] Nooo. I broke it. Yay. It’s like still alive how do I kill it? No I did actually turn the lights off. Oh, yeah, I Don’t I don’t really know what to do with it if I’m gonna get up at 4:30 a.m.. And wear rubber pants I need a bigger payoff than this at least something I can eat Yeah Fishing the drone was a little bit of a letdown And I’m not just saying that because I broke the rod and ripped my pants I need to make some things that can roam in the forest and that I can track and that I can kill and that I Can finally eat, this is what I want to build with the help of model maker Mark Anderson He’s worked on movies like Jurassic world in Star Wars, so I think he can handle this project I just want to make like a a Being that I can eat. It’s like covered in food. My plan is to get some sort of deer and then just like patching on tofu to it. So we’re gonna have to have some kind of motorized base for this. A good place to start would be using Mobility chairs like electric wheel chairs and things of that nature. So Mark is gonna work on the remote control base and meanwhile I need to learn how to hunt because I freakin sucked at fishing. Hai! No. I got… I got. I got I got I got I got it. Okay. And I think I found the perfect woman to teach me Jen Cordero was a vegetarian for ten years But then she was like no and became a hunter she’s also a certified archery instructor and just reading about her I’m like a tiny bit terrified So how long does it usually take to go out hunting and with a compound bow? I mean it depends on personal skill level, but essentially you’re trying to learn six months or a year of training in three hours I like all shaky. Well. You’re shooting a weapon. It’s serious Perfect and when you’re ready let the arrow go. How’d it feel your first shot? [overwhelmed screaming] Going from vegetarian to a hunter is like that’s like not something you do just every day How did you become a hunter? I think that initially people think it’s like this huge change and transformation I really don’t think it is that I don’t want my life to contribute to some huge carbon footprint We grow our own food, but we also hunt in our local mountains How was it like first time you killed an animal? What were the emotions you were going through it’s like this rush of emotion between feeling responsible and a sense of duty and ethics But then there’s also like you worked your ass off for what you just did and there’s a sense of pride and accomplishment You know I should be emotional. It’s a weird navigation of emotions when you take something’s life Perfect I’m like conflicted with my feelings around it as well but at the same time like I think it’s so much better to do that and you actually know what the process of killing an Animal is and like going to the supermarket and buying a beef That was a bull’s-eye pretty much I Was thinking that I need as much help as possible to hit stuff And I figured that it’d be easier to hit things that I really dislike. I brought some airplane food. I bought a pickle Never got it I brought some surprise period when you’re like I think today’s gonna be clear for your uterus is like fuck you no girl Here’s some surprise blood first. Let’s try some period blood Got it on the tip just that’s the kill point for pickles we’re gonna get off my target I Throw something on it. No yes, all the animals now airplane food. I hate you with my entire being This was like a good release it is our cheese amazing, and you don’t have to hunt to be an archer Just know. I’m just hunting pickles and period but I Have so many conflicting emotions inside a wiener I remember like checking her Instagram before which is like so many photos of hers with dead animals simply oh But when you meet her Everything is really well thought through I mean it’s the same if you meet somebody who has like really different political or religious beliefs from you You really should have this like reluctance to it. It’s like coming on this prejudice or this lake This is what I want like I want to think that killing animals is wrong. No No, we’ll see what it feels like when it’s actually In the field and I’m like actually hunting a robot This is uh this is Cody the coyote She’s our HR department Okay, back to building the robot I’m using a plastic deer as a base because I’m not getting into taxidermy anytime soon first off I want to make the head move, and I’m using some old windshield wiper motors I Want a budget and I spent most of that budget on tofu so? Junkyard windshield wiper motors it is So I’m just trying to actuate the head so we have a windshield wiper motor coming out of here And this is one of the biggest Pains in my life turning that circular motion into a linear or just any other form of motion. It just never gets easier Thankfully I have friends who can help and by friends. I mean Adam Savage from Mythbusters Yeah, I think I might need a longer bolt through the side as well because a bungee cord like the way It’s not like a crazy sound it makes me yeah I think so Dude yeah Why is it stopping Oh Yes, so clearly you’re right. I think we do need a longer bolt on the bungee cord now. Can you say that again clearly? You’re right, I think I Am gonna do something I’ve never done before just cut up animal legs all right Mark modified the windshield wiper motors so that they power all four legs simultaneously, there’s one side done This will enable the deer to gallop exactly the way a real one. Would you probably won’t even be able to tell the difference? That was like oh, it’s gonna be like the uncanny valley of a deer. This is nothing you can’t alley. This is me way off To simulate hunting as close as possible. I’m cutting out a kill zone That’s about the same size as it would be on a real deer I don’t think that this is very kill zone on a regular nearest, but this is where it is Maybe we have like a bladder of some sort like filled with sauce please I Have these warm water bottles that I’m gonna fill with hot sauce Mark just finished outfitting the mobility cart with all-terrain tires so the deer can roam through the woods Put the tofu up on the deer cuz maybe if we just use like really big walkers and screws That might be enough to hold it It looks like an old person who spent two weeks in the bathtub this is what we’re covering up all the patches I’m gonna just try and wrap it and see how that works Whether you’re using materials and ways that they’re not supposed to be used there’s nobody you can ask there’s like no tofu store Where you can be like how do I attach this to a decoy plastic animal? nobody knows You just have to figure it out the best you can Under Frankie What do you think Cody? It really just looked like I wrapped stuff to a thing it just doesn’t blend into the rest of the deer I’m just gonna get food like tofu, and the old people skin and only use the brace tofu. It just looks better I think this is the worthy opponent kinda looks like he wants to die so that’s a good thing I Think that this might be the only hunting experience in my entire life, so I’m gonna savor it This thing is hot I’m with hot I mean, huh This is a lot better This is Darrell he’s a daredevil It has tofu. It has hot sauce that’s carrots. It’s like peptide that delivers itself. I’m ready for you Are you ready for me? So Jen taught me that hunt an animal I need to think like an animal but I’m gonna hunt a robot so I guess I need to think like a robot I Hope my compound both skills are good enough for this challenge So what are we doing looking for poop looking for poop? Okay? That’s the game I can play what does it look like.
It’s brown *laughs* That’s definitely poop that is deer poop. Oh, you, no, what is this a thing I have to do Nooooooooo There you go Okay does it feel light or heavy? Light. Does it crunch in your fingers? Yeah, it’s old. It’s really hard. Oh boy It’s really old It’s liberating, Welcome to outdoors, oh I don’t know if it’s liberating, but it’s something. Looking for poop! I feel freaking ready Darrell, I’m coming for you. This is the most threatening hand movement I can think of So what we have right here is some very fresh Darryl poop they’re about 20% charge… its batteries guys it’s a joke Because he runs on, he’s electric ** Tense Music ** Where is he? Ugggh I think that was a lizard Where is Darryl Darryl’s playing the waiting game. I mean he’s a robot so he wins that game I can see him He’s like across in this field my friend run over he’s going to be able to see me and try and get away Fuck! He’s having a hard time with the terrain For me to be able to shoot him he needs to be kind of still Noooo 🙁 Even though this isn’t how an ethical hunter would do it I can see that he’s like Struggling with the terrain so what if I use logs to my benefit? I Got him. No I missed the kill zone Fuck This feels gnarly man Third shot Yes! Think I got it I’m just really scared and excited This feels weirdly good. I feel so bad for shooting him and missing the kill zone Good game Darryl You know hot sauce is fine, but I just felt like I squeezed pus out of a cyst And put it on a piece on tofu and ate it The hunt was exciting, snacks are disappointing Even though I was just hunting a robot my perspective on hunting has has changed Like hunting is not ideal You’re still killing a creature, but also like nothing’s ideal being a vegetarian is not ideal either Especially not like a supermarket vegetarian like myself. Will I go hunting or eat meat? I? See I’ll probably still passed, but I really appreciate the conversation I’m getting all my mouth sounds When I was a kid I crawled up on my sister’s desk and took a book out of her bookshelf open it and took a shit in it I have no recollection of this, but my parents told me about it That’s because you’re listening

11 thoughts on “I went robot hunting with a bow and arrow

  1. Plastic, electronic, other materials and energy used during filming of this will kill more animals than Simone could hunt ever.

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