Donald Trump Eats KFC With a Fork and Knife


I COME TO WORK EVERY DAY WANTING
TO START THE SHOW WITH SOMETHING OTHER THAN DONALD TRUMP. ( LAUGHTER )
AND YET, EVERY DAY, MORE WORDS COME OUT OF HIS FACE. ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) WHERE TO BEGIN. WHERE SHOULD WE START WITH THIS
ONE? PLAU IT’S A LOT THE FACE. HERE’S ONE– DONALD’S IN HOT
WATER FOR SOME COMMENTS HE MADE ABOUT FORMER FOX NEWS C.E.O. AND
ALLEGED UNCLE TOUCH-TOO-MUCH, ROGER AILES. ( LAUGHTER )
ALLEGED. WHEN ASKED HOW HE WOULD FEEL IF
HIS DAUGHTER IVANKA WAS SEXUALLY HARASSED, TRUMP SAID, “I WOULD
LIKE TO THINK SHE WOULD FIND ANOTHER CAREER OR FIND ANOTHER
COMPANY, IF THAT WAS THE CASE.” YEAH. IS THAT SO HARD? WHEN A WOMAN IS SEXUALLY
HARASSED, IT’S UP TO HER TO LEAVE THAT COMPANY AND SIMPLY
FIND A NEW JOB AT ALL THOSE OTHER COMPANIES WHERE WOMEN ARE
LEAVING FOR SOME REASON. ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) LIKE MUSICAL CHAIRS. IT’S MUSICAL CHAIRS. BUT WHEN THE MUSIC STOPS, YOU
HAVE TO SIT ON YOUR BOSS’ LAP. NOW, SOME ARE POINTING OUT THAT
IVANKA HAS WORKED ONLY FOR HER FATHER AND, THEREFORE, WOULD
NEVER BE THE VICTIM OF SEXUAL HARASSMENT.>>IF IVANKA WEREN’T MY
DAUGHTER, PERHAPS I’D BE DATING HER.>>Stephen: SHE SHOULD REALLY
REPORT THAT TO THE HEAD OF HER COMPANY. YOU KNOW, TRUMP’S HAD SUCH A
ROUGH COUPLE OF DAYS, YOU KNOW, SINCE THE DEMOCRATIC CONVENTION. I THINK HE DESERVES A MEDAL. AND TODAY, HE GOT ONE.>>A MAN CAME UP TO ME, AND HE
HANDED ME HIS PURPLE HEART. NOW, I SAID TO HIM, I SAID TO
HIM, “IS THAT, LIKE, THE REAL ONE, OR IS THAT A COPY?”
AND HE SAID, “THAT’S MY REAL PURPLE HEART. I HAVE SUCH CONFIDENCE IN YOU.” AND I SAID, “MAN, THAT’S LIKE–
THAT’S LIKE BIG STUFF. I ALWAYS WANTED TO GET THE
PURPLE HEART.”>>Stephen: YEAH, HE SAYS,
“I’VE ALWAYS WANTED A PURPLE HEART.” HE ALWAYS WANTED THE AWARD YOU
GET FOR BEING WOUNDED IN BATTLE. HE JUST NEVER HAD THE
OPPORTUNITY. MAN, HE MUST KICK HIMSELF OVER
THOSE FIVE DEFERMENTS HE REQUESTED FROM THE VIETNAM
DRAFT. WHAT ARE THE ODDS? DARN IT! DARN IT! WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO! WELL, MAYBE HE’LL GET A PURPLE
HEART FOR SHOOTING HIMSELF IN THE FOOT. ( APPLAUSE )
IT MIGHT BE STUFF LIKE THIS THAT INSPIRED THE PRESIDENT TO SAY
TODAY TO SAY THAT “DONALD TRUMP IS UNFIT TO SERVE AS PRESIDENT.” KEEP IN MEEND, KEEP IN MIND,
HOWEVER YOU FEEL ABOUT THESE CANDIDATES, THOSE WORDS HAVE
NEVER BEEN SAID BY A SITTING PRESIDENT OF ANY NOMINEE, EVER. THAT INCLUDES WHEN CHESTER A. ARTHUR REFUSED TO QUESTION
THE QUALIFICATIONS OF STINK EYE WILLIE, THE PIE-STEALING HOBO. ( LAUGHTER )
VERY CLOSE. STINK EYE. VERY STRONG ON TRANSPORTATION
INFRASTRUCTURE, VERY STRONG. ( APPLAUSE )
NOW, OF COURSE, DONALD TRUMP DOESN’T CARE IF THE
ESTABLISHMENT THINKS HE’S FIT FOR THE JOB. ( LAUGHTER )
HE’S A MAN OF THE PEOPLE. THAT’S WHY YESTERDAY, TRUMP
TWEETED THIS PHOTO OF HIMSELF ON THIS PRIVATE JET, EATING K.F.C. THERE IT IS, EXTRA CRISPY AND
SOME CHICKEN. STUCK IN MY THROAT. THAT JOKE STUCK IN MY THROAT,
LITERALLY. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THAT PUNCH LINE STUCK IN MY THROAT LIKE A CHICKEN BONE. IT DOES BOLSTER HIS MILITARY
CREDENTIALS, BECAUSE HE CLEARLY HAS A CLOSE RELATIONSHIP TO THE
COLONEL. ( LAUGHTER )
BUT I THINK– JUST LOOKING AT THAT PHOTO, I THINK HE IS
BLOWING THE WHOLE “MAN OF THE PEOPLE” THING BY EATING HIS
K.F.C. WITH SILVERWARE! EXCUSE ME, EXCUSE ME! MR. TRUMP, WHAT PART OF “FINGER
LICKIN’ GOOD” DON’T YOU UNDERSTAND? IT’S RIGHT THERE. I THINK THAT’S ILLEGAL. I THINK THAT’S ILLEGAL. AND JUST SOME ADVICE, IF YOU
WANT TO SEEM RELATABLE, DON’T EAT J.F.K. ON A PRIVATE JET. IF YOU WANT TO BE RELATABLE, EAT
LOBSTER ON A CROSSTOWN BUS.( APPLAUSE )
I WOULD LOVE TO SEE THAT.
THAT WOULD BE FANTASTIC. SPEAKING OF DONALD TRUMP. DONALD TRUMP. WE HAVE MORE DONALD TRUMP. TODAY TRUMP HELD A RALLY WHERE
HE FOCUSED ON SPECIFIC YOUTH OUTREACH.>>I HAVE THE BIGGEST BANK IN
THE WORLD, IS A TENANT OF MINE, THE BIGGEST IN THE WORLD, A
CHINESE BANK. (BABY CRIES)
DON’T WORRY ABOUT THAT BABY. I LOVE BABIES. I LOVE BABIES. I HEAR THAT BABY CRYING. I LIKE IT. I LIKE IT. WHAT A BABY. WHAT A BEAUTIFUL BABY. DON’T WORRY, DON’T WORRY. THE MOM IS RUNNING AROUND LIKE–
DON’T WORRY ABOUT IT. IT’S YOUNG AND BEAUTIFUL AND
HEALTHY, AND THAT’S WHAT WE WANT.>>Stephen: YOU SEE? YOU SEE? HE CAN BE A NICE GUY. I SHOULD APOLOGIZE– WHAT’S
THAT?>>ACTUALLY, I WAS ONLY KIDDING. YOU CAN GET THE BABY OUT OF
HERE. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>>Stephen: YEAH! YEAH! GET THE BABY OUT OF HERE! GET OUT OF HERE, YOU CRYING
BABY! THAT BABY– SO CLOSE TO
HUMANITY. THAT CRYING BABY WANTS TO STAY
HERE, IT NEEDS TO ACT LIKE AN ADULT. BECAUSE WHEN WE ADULTS LISTEN TO
TRUMP, WE WEEP SILENTLY. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
OH, AND IN– THERE IS– GET OUT OF HERE, BABY! OH, AND IN RARE NON-TRUMP NEWS,
I AM FEELING HORRIBLY BETRAYED THIS EVENING. THERE ARE CERTAIN– THANK YOU,
THANK YOU, THANK YOU VERY MUCH. THERE ARE CERTAIN THINGS WE’VE
BEEN TOLD TO DO IN ORDER TO LIVE A HEALTHY LIFE: EAT VEGETABLES,
EVEN THOUGH THEY’RE DISGUSTING. DRINK WATER, EVEN THOUGH IT’S
DISGUSTING ( LAUGHTER )
AND, OF COURSE, FLOSS YOUR TEETH. WELL, IT TURNS OUT, FLOSSING
MIGHT BE UNNECESSARY BECAUSE AFTER LOOKING AT 25 STUDIES ON
THE EFFECTIVENESS OF FLOSSING, THE ASSOCIATED PRESS HAS
DETERMINED THAT THE EVIDENCE FOR FLOSSING IS “WEAK, VERY
UNRELIABLE,” OF “VERY LOW” QUALITY, AND CARRIES “A MODERATE
TO LARGE POTENTIAL FOR BIAS.” OH, BUT THE HELL YOU HAVE TO PAY
IF YOU DON’T FLOSS. OH, THEY SHAME YOU WHEN YOU GO
IN FOR THE CLEANING, DON’T THEY? YEAH, YEAH. THE NIGHT BEFORE YOU ALWAYS GO,
“OH, DAMN, I’VE GOT TO FLOSS NOW.”>>Jon: THEY KNOW.>>Stephen: THEY KNOW THAT YOU
DIDN’T FLOSS.>>Jon: YOU HAVEN’T BEEN
FLOSSING.>>Stephen: THE WHOLE TIME.>>Jon: YOU’LL BE SWOLLEN.>>Stephen: YOUR GUMS ARE
BLEEDING. YOUR SINK WILL LOOK LIKE A
QUENTIN TARANTINO MOVIE IN THERE. IT LOOKS LIKE “THE HATEFUL EIGHT
EIGHT” WHEN YOU’RE DONE YOU’RE SO DESPERATE. WE’VE BEEN LIED TO. YOU LIED TO ME, DENTAL HYGIENIST
DAWN. BASED ON THIS NEWS, I’M GOING TO
STOP FLOSSING 38 YEARS AGO. STICK AROUND, EVERYBODY. WE’LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH THE
GREAT WILL SMITH.

100 thoughts on “Donald Trump Eats KFC With a Fork and Knife

  1. the first lady melania trump is the smartest woman ๐Ÿ‘  in washington d c today ๐Ÿ‡บ๐Ÿ‡ธ๐Ÿ‡ป๐Ÿ‡ฎ!

  2. If you notice, Donald says the words "big" and "beautiful" an awful lot. Why is he obsessed with those two words, I wonder?

  3. โ€˜If ibanca wasnโ€™t my daughter perhaps I would be dating herโ€™ (ibanca awkwardly laughs) wtf-sorry I donโ€™t know how to spell her name๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿคทโ€โ™€๏ธ

  4. A purple heart. The most prestigious, self-sacrificial awardence you can get. A ten year old sacrificed herself for her brother and sister from a truck. Died. Soldiers died. They loved and LOST so much.
    Trump, GO TO DANTE'S CIRCLE OF HELL.

  5. Let people eat how they want to eat. Why are we lowering our standards so much. Last time I checked grasping chicken and biting into it wasn't part of the credentials for presidency. Lets all grow up.

  6. You know what they say about orange Presidents with small hands.. ๐Ÿ˜ theyโ€™re egotistical narcissists with a tiny penis.

  7. Trump: Donโ€™t worry about it. I love babies!
    Me: Huh. That was weird. Maybe heโ€™s not 100% horrible after all.
    Trump: Nah. Iโ€™m just kidding. Get that baby out of here.
    Me: GEEZ DONALD!!! I THOUGHT WE WERE MAKING PROGRESS!!!!

  8. The hell..? I eat the chicken with my hands and rice with a spoon.

    And it has a lot of gravy. So I'm always messy when I'm eating in KFC.

    ps. I don't know if kfc restaurants in other contries have rice.

  9. He must give back the Purple Heart!!! ๐Ÿ˜ข๐Ÿ˜ข The donor may have meant well but it probably means a lot to them, more than what it would mean to Trump

  10. And Stephen Colshit, tell me, what Battle were YOU in!??…..Where were YOU stationed in Grenada in 1983!??….Were battling Cubans at Port Salinas!?…..No?…..YOU WERE YOU LIVING YOUR SAFE LIFE AT COLLEGE, YOU STUPID FUCK!!!

  11. Iโ€™m really grateful for all these talk show hosts who openly talk about how retarded trump is without worrying about the uneducated masses that donโ€™t understand how awful he is

  12. Traitor Donald Trump could never have got a purple heart because he has no heart. All of him is a giant fat asshole. Traitor Trump is asshole incarnate.

  13. "I want to start the show every day without talking about Trump"
    Finally Colbert says something genuinely funny. It's really not that hard to find other storys or funny topics, y'know, since your job is supposed to be to make people laugh rather than give nightly political lectures.
    The reason he can't go a day without talking about Trump is because he and the rest of the alt-left have developed an unhealthy obsession with the man, we like to call it "Trump Derangement Syndrome". He's living inside all of their heads and he doesn't even need to pay rent

  14. Wait, isnโ€™t what he said right? I would hope if I had a daughter or son that they would move companies if they where being sexually harassed by there superiors as well? Whatโ€™s wrong with what he said? People are way to sensitive now-a-days.

  15. Stephen:
    The croud: ๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿ‘Š

  16. I was about to finally appreciate Trump when he said he was okay with the baby, I mean, finally one good thing about him! We should cherish it amongst his… thousands bad things. But then "Jk, get that baby outta here," welp! Never mind. He should die in a hole somewhere.

  17. What pleasure that I am not only one that is stunned,and not in a good way about this occupant,it's just "fucking"unbelievable,every hour,every minute that occupant is there…AHUG!!! My wet dream is to watch that thing being taken out of the White House in shackles! I love you for not being a pussy. Keep on keeping on. Viva! Stephen Colbert! Kiss Kiss

  18. I really love Trump's standing in front of the flag with Sic Semper Tyrannis on it, "thus always to tyrants." Rather appropriate 2 1/2 years later.

  19. It's true because when you spit, if you don't floss you stain the sink with your mouthful of blood as a result of non-flossed teeth. My spit has been clear for about 30 years and my dentist says my teeth will probably outlive me, so there's no point in investing in implants. Hmmmmm, I have to think about that one again?

  20. Fox News is slowly strangling our democracy and we are doing nothing to stop it. The National Enquirer has more legitimate news than Fox News. Too bad 40% of the country is too dumb to know it.

  21. WOW! He really said that about his kid I hope I'm alive when one of them finally comes out with a tell all about all the horrible things they witnessed growing up I just picture him showing up sporadically to see his kids instead of being a loving devoted parent

  22. Trump is right when he says the whole world is laughing at the USA.
    Who else would vote someone like him into office? Everything is fake there, fake boobs, fake butts, fake food, fake money (no gold reserves left), fake healthcare (for rich people only), fake rights (for whites and cops only) fake justice (for blacks and immigrants only). And now, a fake president who fakes civility, intelligence, empathy and basic human decency. Reality has passed you by. The USA still thinks people want to go there…..funny.

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